Baseball?

Baseball?

Starting pitcher Luke has a lot on his mind lately now that the formerly straight athlete has found himself in a relationship with another guy, and really enjoying that relationship. A lot of people are wondering what this means for Luke. Is he gay or straight? Are there other options? Fortunately, he can take his mind off all that during a baseball game. Until, like a good boyfriend, his boyfriend shows up to cheer him on.

This scene is from One Little Lie, where a clueless jock learns the world is more than just gay or straight in this coming of age love story about secret relationships, friendship, and bisexuality.

~

Luke

I LOVE BASEBALL. ESPECIALLY DURING GAME TIME. Worried thoughts about my personal life weren’t important when playing ball. On the mound with all eyes on me, I felt great. People watched me because I excelled at this, not because of who I was dating.

The game started and I was in the zone. My whole focus was on the game.

Until Ryan. My stupidly distracting boyfriend.

As a likable athlete, I had few embarrassing moments until Ryan walked into my life. Still, what was lacking in quantity was now made up in quality.

Due to the nice day, Ryan wore a tank top and shorts. He looked innocent enough, plus so freaking tall. Grab a ruler and check if I lied, there were miles and miles of his long legs on display. So much skin, how were his legs so shapely and toned? Running, he claimed, even though I’d only seen him run his mouth.

Ryan sat on the bleachers, not being embarrassing for once. I embarrassed myself, unable to keep my gaze away. Dammit! I ogled my boyfriend instead of pitching. He saw me looking and waved. I waved back before remembering I should pay attention to the game. The runner at first advanced to second and I heard distant yelling from my coach.

Shit. Taking a moment, I refocused my attention. Time to strike this batter out. I lined up the pitch, got ready, and…

My eyes drifted back to Ryan.

–Grab the book here as part of the One Crazy Love Story box set, which features the first four books in the One More Thing series of contemporary YA novels.

Our fair spaz

Our fair spaz

Best friendships are often tested as people age. This is doubly true when one person is a confused, possibly bisexual athlete and the other is a self-involved diva who hates serious discussions. Even worse, they both liked the same guy.

In this scene, Luke tries to clear the air with his best friend while Zach tries to avoid the conversation as always. This is from One Little Lie, where a clueless athlete learns the world is more than just gay or straight in this coming of age love story about secret relationships, friendship, and bisexuality.

~

Luke

 I rarely understood the way his brain worked. There was only one thing I needed to be sure about.

“You and Ryan seem friendly again,” I commented casually.

“Yep.” He kept his eyes on the road. Okay, he should keep doing that as he was driving.

“Cool. Great.” They should definitely get along. As long as it was only friendship. “You’re over Ryan, right?”

“No, Luke,” he replied dryly. “Let us commence a fight to the death to win the hand of our fair spaz.”

“Okay, you were joking for most of that, but you said no, so it’s no, right?”

“If I really wanted him, you wouldn’t stand a chance—”

“Not sure that’s true since—” I already had Ryan. He picked me.

“Which must mean I don’t want him.”

“Awesome.”

-Grab this book as part of the One Crazy Love Story Box set, which features the first four books in the One More Thing Series.

Vitality

Vitality

Hello, I wish to talk about my Kindle Vella novel, Invisi-bi-lity, but I’m not sure what to say. I had one image quote and post to make without having a plan for the content. This is always a dangerous situation, so let’s start with the easy stuff.

Description: John Hyde often feels overlooked. Even his best friend Cody doesn’t truly see him or that his feelings have changed from friendly to romantic. So he’s wondered before if anyone would notice if he disappeared, but he never thought he’d find out until he literally turns invisible. Is this the world’s worst superpower, a hex from a vengeful witch, or has bisexual erasure taken on new meaning? Whatever’s going on, if John can’t make himself seen soon he’ll vanish forever.

Hooray, I have now thought of either a terrible or perfect segue for the scene I’m sharing: in my novel, Cody and John go together like five ‘i’s in ‘invisibility.’ It’s vital! Yes, I admit this metaphor isn’t very catchy. (If you’re wondering what I’m talking about, check out this post about my titling woes for Invisi-bi-lity.)

In this scene, Cody tells John about his vitalness to Cody’s life. John is freaking out because he’s invisible for some reason?

~

I’d give anything to throw open the door and reassure Cody, but what will he find waiting on the other side? I’m afraid to look in the mirror again. There’s no way I’m invisible and yet… Whatever’s happening, I’m starting to believe the impossible. It’s terrifying.

 “What’s going on?” Cody asks quietly.

“Do you ever feel like you don’t exist? Do you worry nobody would notice if you were gone?”

“I’d notice,” he answers fiercely and immediately. “I would notice and I’m so glad you’re here. Don’t ever think of going anywhere.”

“I won’t,” I prom—say, because unfortunately, that might not be a promise I can keep right now.

“Besides,” Cody says. “How can I be myself without you in my life?”

Rising up with shaky legs, my head peeks over the bathroom counter—oh thank god. There I am.

After opening the door, I’m not sure who moves into who, but we wrap our arms around each other and don’t move for a long time. Things seem normal again. Normal enough. Feeling his burgundy wool sweater between my fingers makes me hold on tighter. In Cody’s arms, everything will be okay.

-Read more here!

Trick Questions?

Trick Questions?

A 16-year old boy in a boring city ponders his place in the universe in my coming-of-age novel Invisi-bi-lity. Or at least he wonders about the important things in his universe. Namely, who he is and who he loves. John has some ideas but isn’t totally sure. He could be bi or he might just love one guy, his best friend Cody.

This seemed like a good place to start the novel, right when he’s figuring out the answers to some big questions he’s been wondering about for a while. Of course, the answers won’t slap him on the face but Cody does. He snaps him out of his daydreaming, they do some illicit activities together, and John has an epiphany.

Cody and John talk about birthday wishes in this scene, and John has a realization.

(It’s extremely possible these realizations will be a lot less shocking to you than they are to John.)

~

When we emerge on his grandparent’s front lawn, Cody makes an excited noise. “Hey, don’t I get a wish for birthdays?”

“You get a wish for your birthday, not my—”

“Too bad,” he talks over me. “I already know what I’m asking for.”

A billion dollars or a new car? Ending world hunger? A date with that gay YouTuber he always says is cute?

Cody smiles, lit by his grandparent’s porch light. “I wish that this is the year you finally realize how amazing you are.”

Suddenly I feel completely sober.

Once, my feelings and the labels that best define me seemed confusing. These days, the real issue comes from my readiness to acknowledge these inner truths. Maybe I’m just looking for a sign, a push, for the truth to slap me in the face until I can’t ignore it anymore.

The sincerity in Cody’s voice, how his lopsided smile looked so bright even in the dark… there’s another option to my life-long romantic questions. Why hadn’t I considered it before? I’ve been trying to decide whether I’m bi or in love with my best friend, but the answer seems so clear on the walk home. It’s both. I am bi and I love my best friend.

-check it out on Vella here!

Myths and Legends?

Myths and Legends?

To be honest, I have absolutely no clue how I came up with the idea for Invisi-bi-lity. Because it happened so long ago. This was a story I first had the idea for when I started the F.N. Manning pen name, which feels like a million years ago. It was at least three. In fact, as I’m writing this, it occurs to me I had a document with notes and ideas that I always planned to consult when writing this and… I totally forgot.

Anyway…

Our hero John is an overlooked 16-year-old in Buffalo, New York. His quest to come out as bi and confess his love for his best friend becomes infinitely more complicated when he starts disappearing from view.

In this scene, John’s taking a break from a game night with friends. He’s on the verge of telling people he’s bi but apparently some people don’t believe this is a real thing. He has a reaction to this he isn’t expecting.

~

“Bisexuality is what people say while they come out. Not something that actually exists.”

“Uh. Wha—”

My pulse suddenly pounds loudly in my ears. Everything seems to happen in slow motion.

“Of course you were fooled,” Dennis says. “People still search for the Loch Ness Monster or Big Foot. Myths are fascinating, and everybody wants to be the hero who proves the legends true, but it’s just not possible.”

“I’m gonna take a break,” I say.

I walk down a narrow hallway without seeing anything until I find the bathroom. One stupid comment, one opinion, it shouldn’t bother me so much. It shouldn’t. But that doesn’t stop the pain, the shame as if I did something wrong, I’m not enough…

Intending to splash cool water on my face and snap out of it, I flip on the lights and face the sink. Standing right in front of the mirror, the sight there sends me reeling all over again. I look in the mirror and nobody stares back at me. There’s nobody there.

Invisi-bi-lity: New YA M/M Romance!

Invisi-bi-lity: New YA M/M Romance!

My newest novel is up on Kindle Vella right now!

When a teen’s attempts to come out of the closet are influenced by a vengeful witch’s hex, bisexual erasure takes on a whole new meaning in Invisi-bi-lity.

Vella is a new way for authors to post stories on Amazon, and it works in episodic format. An author I follow had this plan, probably much more thought out than my own, to have five stories published by the new year. Pretty ambitious, considering they possibly wanted the novels to be complete too. For some reason I thought I could do the same thing, so I guess I’ll look on the bright side and praise my confidence.

I have three works currently on Vella and one soon to be published. Of these four, two are finished. So I actually didn’t do too bad and am going to give myself an A for effort. I tried and I tell myself that’s the important part.

Here is a scene from the beginning of the book. The main character John has some trouble pinning down his sexuality because a certain boy always gets in the way.

~

Figuring out my sexuality is difficult enough without Cody O’Keefe screwing everything up.

The high school halls are filled with attractive people. From the cute girl with amazing legs in my English class to the washboard abs of the football quarterback. Then Cody smiles at me, his eyes crinkling at the corners, and I only see him.

Intelligent, funny, and gorgeous, Cody O’Keefe has it all. My favorite thing about him? When people talk, he listens. He makes people feel important. It’s basically a superpower in a boring city where nothing ever happens like Buffalo, New York… though his warm brown eyes are also nice.

Cody’s gay. And he always knew. Back in kindergarten, he told his parents he’d rather marry me than Ella Hopkins and no amount of her sharing Rice Krispy treats would change that. Girls? Not gonna happen.

Me? I’ve sometimes been pretty sure I may not be straight. Occasionally. Much less definitive.

Sometimes I think I’m not bisexual, I’m just a little in love with my best friend. Or am I bi but only fixating on the nearest and best queer guy and not really in love with him? These questions swirl in my brain constantly these days. How do I gain clarity? The answers won’t just slap me in the face with the truth.

“Ah!”

Tuning back into the world around me, I stand on the sidewalk, staring incredulously at the guy who just slapped me in the face.

“Sorry, did I hit too hard?” Cody pats my cheek this time, an affectionate sort of slap. “My bad, but you were pretty far away.”

About a head taller, he stands there with an easy smile, all up in my business without the slightest hesitation. Comfortable in our friendship and totally unaware of the thirsty thoughts in my brain.

Cody O’Keefe has amazingly soft chocolate-brown hair that gets mussed if you so much as look at it wrong. With peach skin and the most enticing slightly chubby cheeks, his beautifully open face is nearly as expressive as the song lyrics, affirmations, and notes he always writes on his arms in black or blue pen.

-check out the rest of the novel here on Vella!

5 Superheroes Who Should Come Out Already

5 Superheroes Who Should Come Out Already

I’m not a huge comic book person, so I had no idea about the newest version of the Superman character until I heard a stray comment on TV from a critical pundit. He said something like, “Superman is bi now but nobody cares.”

Well unfortunately, homophobes gonna homophobe (slightly less catchy but just as true as haters gonna hate) so somebody always cares and has a problem when our world gets publicly gayer. But people mostly seem to be reacting well, which is awesome. And perhaps by ‘nobody cares’, he meant ‘an angry mob isn’t freaking out and clutching their pearls’ and this is just being treated as a regular thing humans experience, which is even more awesome. I originally assumed this meant Clark Kent was bisexual but apparently his son is the new Superman and likes his friend with pink hair.

More bi representation is awesome, though my only experience with Superman is the ooooold show with Dean Cain and Terri Hatcher. I’d eventually like to watch the newer program with Tyler Hoechlin because he looks very Superman-y and I adore almost everything about him as a person and beautiful human being.

So incredibly pretty, right?

So seeing as I don’t have a big interest in Superman, the comment about nobody caring got me thinking. Which other heroes could come out and generate more excitement? I came up with 5 heroes that the whole world… or at least fans… or at least me would care about extremely if they were gay.

5 Superheroes who should come out already

1. Spiderman (Peter Parker)

Come on, Spidey! Deadpool is already canonically pansexual and he’s waiting for you!

2. Captain America (Steve Rogers)

Despite only seeing a handful of Marvel superhero movies, I caught onto support for bi Steve Rogers being a thing and am wholeheartedly in favor of this development.

3. The Falcon (Sam Wilson)

Not having Disney+, I can’t say how gay the series The Falcon and The Winter Soldier is, so this isn’t the reason I think he should be queer. It’s more because… I got confused somehow and definitely believed he was already canonically gay? I’m not sure what happened but the only thing I (thought) I knew about him when Anthony Mackie first started appearing in the movies was that The Falcon was one of the earliest black gay superheroes. I even remember an interview where Mackie said he wanted his character to hook up with Black Widow and everybody laughed uproariously as if this was hilarious and impossible, and I have literally no idea what the joke was if he wasn’t being comically ignorant about his character’s sexuality. I only realized Sam Wilson wasn’t gay like a year ago and it’s still slightly weird he’s apparently straight.

4. & 5. Old Married Mutants

I ended up seeing First Class randomly in theaters because friends wanted to watch it. I had no idea what to expect and was surprised how good, and gay, the movie was. I remember turning to my friend twice when Professor X and Magneto seemed really in love and saying ‘is it just me…’ and each time she told me I wasn’t crazy, they were acting hella gay (blog title!) Seeing as she is straight and more objective than me, this is totally proof.

quicksand, a black hole,magnets, and other stuff that pulls you in

quicksand, a black hole,magnets, and other stuff that pulls you in

Luke has a boyfriend and a fake girlfriend in One Little Lie. Which is sort of crazy, but what’s really crazy is thinking Luke is bisexual. That’s really insane and laughable. Except no one is laughing. Anyway, in this extended scene, Luke and Lydia are coming back from a fake date where they went to the fair with her family.

~

We were basically babysitters for Lydia’s younger siblings at the fair while her parents checked out all the religious singers that performed there, but the fair was the best place to be a babysitter because we got to ride all the rides we wanted and play the games and no one could judge us cause it was for the kids. Plus, her siblings were way better behaved than Lily and her friends.

The deep-fried Twinkie was glorious and kinda gross and after having the deep-fried Oreos too, l was okay with never eating anything else unnaturally fried for at least another year. All in all, it was a good day. I had some of the prizes the kids won in my car, so Lydia rode with me and I dropped her and the winnings off at their house. We stood near the edge of the driveway and she gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek while her parents looked on. They went in the house, but she lingered outside with me.

I thought I didn’t have to think about this stuff anymore now that I had a girl on my arm. Okay, maybe I didn’t want to think about it. It was like quicksand, a black hole, or magnets: something that pulls you in. I start thinking about it and then it’s hard to stop and I only end up with a headache and no answers. What was the point of putting myself through all that if I never seemed to get anywhere?

I leaned against my car next to her. Was I bi? “That would mean I liked guys and girls.”

She nodded. “You do.”

“I like Ryan and girls,” I pointed out.

“You want your boyfriend and also to be straight?” She raised one eyebrow.

“Is that not possible?” I asked without much hope.

“I guess it is,” she conceded. Hey, alright, that was—but then she kept talking. “But have you considered the possibility that’s not what this is?”

I sighed, gesturing for her to move over and she and I sat on my car.

All the homes on this block were small and quaint and some of the properties had their porchlights on, but it was after dark and the street was pretty dead. There was never anything to do in town after ten or so, but there was a breeze in the air and just sitting outside was kinda nice.

“You should talk to Zach,” I told her. I mostly got where she was coming from, but my parents weren’t religious like hers. My parents went to church, but faith was only one part of who they were.

“Um. I mean. I guess.” She frowned.

I’d had some bad ideas in my time, but this wasn’t one of them. “It’s just a suggestion. He might know more about the religious aspect than me,” I defended myself.

“It’s not a bad idea.” She gestured vaguely. “I just can’t actually picture how that would go.”

Yeah. They had stuff in common, and would probably have a lot to say, but I couldn’t imagine either of them biting the bullet and having an awkward talk about feelings. They’d both just stare at each other having a too-cool-to-care contest.

“Our parents aren’t the same religion anyway,” she said after moment.

“Does it matter? You’re as Muslim as he is and he’s as Christian as you are.”

She didn’t respond to that as she thought about something and I let her work out whatever it was.

Zach was third generation and his parents were devout privately. They believed in balancing their life here with their ethnicity and religion, that it was all parts of a whole instead of one over the other. They didn’t forget their faith but wanted to fit in here. They were doing a good job in that regard; their son was very acclimated.

“I’ve seen his parents before,” she said eventually. “At their store.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you shopped there. I could maybe get you a discount.” Oh, I wasn’t really supposed to tell anyone my family got a discount. As my parents liked to say, they were crowdfunding raising three boys between them, Zach’s parents, and Joey’s. When we were both 10, Zach started coming with us on summer trips to a lake house in the Ozarks. My grandparents owned it and our extended family shared it. After that, his parents said we might as well get the family discount.

“I used to go into their store when I was like 13,” Lydia told me. “It was my way of rebelling back then.”

“Your parents don’t want you shopping there?” Maybe they were Kroger people.

“Um. Muslims, you know?”

I shrugged. I didn’t really. Some people had a thing about it. Hey, why couldn’t sexuality be like that? The Ahmads occasionally dealt with assholes but didn’t like receiving sympathy for it and wanted to be treated normally. And I knew how to do that; I’d known Zach as long as I could remember. They were normal to me. It wasn’t like we pretended everything was fine, they just wanted to focus on other things. Why couldn’t people just treat me normally?

“They seem nice though,” Lydia said of Zach’s parents.

I laughed. It always shocked me when his parents welcomed me into the store before they realized it was me. Don’t get me wrong, they were totally nice. But I was like a member of the family, so I’d never pick my Monopoly piece first at their house. And Lydia’s parents were like a whole other level beyond his parents or mine. Like under their politeness and hospitality, there was just more politeness and hospitality.

Boys. Baseball. Bisexuality?

Boys. Baseball. Bisexuality?

Luke is not gay, but his boyfriend is. Also, Luke does have a boyfriend. To make sense of his life, he seeks advice from his best friend. Zach is bi, but interests include having fun, baseball, himself, his hair, and avoiding serious discussions. So Luke corners him when the baseball team is on a bus for an away game. This is a deleted scene from One Little Lie.

Luke

My sister said she thought I was a boring straight guy once. I was certainly interesting now; my dilemma was multifaceted. I had no idea what I was. I didn’t think and maybe didn’t want to be gay, but what if I was? Things had never felt this good, this intense before. That’s what I thought about after leaving Ryan’s house.

Then there was the other part, which was maybe worse. Maybe things didn’t feel so intense and crazy and wonderful because Ryan was a guy. Maybe it felt that way because my feelings for Ryan were more than I’d ever had for anyone else, maybe it was lo-

Nope. No. Too scary.

I’m the good guy, I’d always been the good boyfriend. I held doors open, paid for dinner, tried to listen, bought flowers, all of it. I executed all the right moves on the outside, but it never felt like this on the inside. I’d said I love you before and I had thought I meant it at the time, but it didn’t feel like this. Real, intense. Consuming. Was I gay? Did it matter that I still liked girls?

I wasn’t the type to do awkward or self-doubting and now there was a lot of that in my life. Ryan and I were each other’s first boyfriends. Though he’d been on a few dates with Zach and had definitely been attracted to other guys. Maybe Ryan was special to me, but I wasn’t special to him. Huh.

What a not fun thought.

That was only one of the reasons I couldn’t share with Ryan when he offered last night. Mainly, I wanted to go into his house and do anything that involved being undressed and not talking. Also because I didn’t want all of my fond, serious thoughts to spill out. And also because… it just didn’t feel right unloading all this stuff on him.

Lydia had her own soul searching to go through, so I turned to Zach. The easiest way to get Zach to cooperate was to tell him exactly what you wanted and make it clear that you would leave him alone after you got it. This wasn’t baseball. No warm up. No beating around the bush. Direct.

When it was time for our next away game, I clapped him on the shoulder and sat down next to him on the bus. “Prepare yourself for a serious conversation,” I informed him.

“Thanks for the warning.” He moved to get up. “But you didn’t inform me in writing at least three days in advance so—”

“Okay, but I want to talk about BEING GAY AND QUEER SHIT,” I raised my voice. “Whoever sits next to me will have that to look forward to.” Suddenly there were no free seats for Zach. “Come on, we can do this quickly.”

He sat back down but complained, “I don’t want to hold your hand through this. Can’t you talk to your actual boyfriend about this?”

“I’ll tell him once I figure it out.” He did it on his own. Okay, this was what I was talking about earlier. The big reason I couldn’t let him help me. Not only did he figure it out on his own, my addition only made things more complicated. I opened my stupid big mouth and told people he was gay.

I didn’t really know him at the time. I didn’t know about being in the closet or outing people. It was an accident. I just… After that, I didn’t want to put this on him. I could do this myself.

Mostly. I told Zach, “I’m talking to you whether you like it or not.”

He idly glanced out the window, but I doubted he’d make a break for it. “Fine.”

“Fine.”

Deep, deep down he was really a good person. You just had to get through all the bullshit first. Zach liked to present himself a certain way and his family weren’t really the type to have serious, intense conversations. My parents freaking loved talking. I just didn’t think they’d want to listen to anything I had to say at the moment.

I didn’t say anything for a few moments. “So,” Zach said after a tense silence, “Are you gonna start talking then, or what?”

“Right, right.” Okay. I wanted this. “I bought some time. With the Lydia thing. But I still don’t know.” There.

He didn’t say anything. I just expressed my doubts in such an eloquent and articulate manner and he had nothing to say? “Okay, so this is supposed to be a conversation,” I explained.

“I’m aware,” Zach said cooly. That was all he said.

“It’s your turn to talk,” I prompted. Maybe I should jump out the window instead.

He shrugged. “I don’t know what you want me to say to that.”

Oh dear god. “Help me,” I ordered. Or maybe begged. “How do I even decide? It’s like a big decision. Straight or gay.”

“You’re acting like there’s no other options.” He rolled his eyes. “Like being bi, for instance.”

“Yeah, I guess.” I shrugged.

Zach said he liked guys and girls. That was an option, hypothetically. I couldn’t imagine it any more than I could being gay; maybe I liked it even less for some reason. It wasn’t that simple, was it? To just say, oh, I like both and there, problem solved. That was awfully convenient. How long could that last for? Wasn’t it just putting off the inevitable? I couldn’t decide if that’s what I wanted to do or not.

“Please don’t let this inflate your ego any more,” I told Zach, “But you make it look really easy.”

“I’ve known I was gay for a while now,” he said simply. He used gay and bi interchangeably sometimes, but how was I supposed to know if that was what he was doing this time? Then seeing that I was clearly about to ask if he was gay now, he added, “I’m still bi, but I don’t have a problem with either term.”

Gay had become something of a catch all term, but it didn’t feel like it to me. If I called myself gay out loud, that meant I liked men and men only. Zach didn’t agree. Not that there was anything wrong with it, obviously. It just wasn’t me.

Zach sighed and his tone wasn’t exactly gentler, but for him it was almost warm and fuzzy as he continued, “You suddenly found yourself in a… situation.” Instead of boyfriend, I would have to refer to Ryan as my situation later; he’d get a kick out of that. “It might take time to figure everything out.”

I thought about that. How much time did I get? Did I have to become gay after my transitional period was over? When should I expect my membership card in the mail and how did I go about returning it? Still, it wasn’t bad advice. This was new to me. I got a little time at least. All I could come up with to say in response was, “Wow, you sound so wise and rational.”

“I know,” Zach shuddered. “I don’t like it.”

Well, that didn’t really help. But I guess it was reassuring. I felt really dumb, but I hadn’t been dealing with this for that long, that was true. But Zach had known he was gay for a while now? “I don’t think I’ve seen you go after a guy besides Ryan,” I noted.

“Oh god, we are not talking about that,” he said firmly.

I sighed. This was probably as good as our conversation would get, so I deemed Zach’s best friend duties over with and reached into my backpack. “Hey, I brought snacks.”

Zach smiled. Now some of the guys looked jealous, which made his smile grow. Zach liked envy even more than dessert. Ryan made cookies for the road. We ate them all ourselves but shared with Joey too. Apparently, I owed him for always telling him things he didn’t want to know.